The Importance of Setting Boundaries for Mental Health

We’re often told that boundaries are crucial for the development and maintenance of mental health. For people struggling with addiction and going through recovery, this can be especially important. People in addiction may struggle to articulate, develop and maintain boundaries – with themselves, with others and with their behaviours. But what are boundaries? How do you know what your boundaries are? And how do you put them in place once you’ve figured them out?

What are boundaries?

Boundaries can be thought of as a line – the place where one thing ends and another begins. Boundary setting is an excellent antidote to enmeshment, which is an unhealthy relationship between two people, or a people and a thing, where there is no independence.

Enmeshment, a form of control that can be achieved through manipulation, can happen in a variety of contexts. It can happen in a relationship between two people – an overbearing parent and a child or a controlling partner who cannot give the other person the space they need. Enmeshment can also happen with substances. You may find it extremely hard to place a boundary between yourself and the substance you’re using, even if not doing so is harmful and conflicts with your need to be sober.

Many people aren’t even aware of what their boundaries are and have never thought about it. This can happen if you were raised in an environment where boundaries were not encouraged and your needs were overridden. This means you can struggle to articulate or even know what you think, feel or need.

Boundaries can be:

Physical: these involve privacy, personal space and your own body

Emotional: these relate to your feelings and how you treat and want to be treated by others

Mental: Your beliefs, values, thoughts and opinions.

This means that the first step in setting clear boundaries is to engage in some self-reflection and determine what you want and need.

The risks of unboundaried relationships

Developing in an environment where people do not have boundaries can carry over to your adult relationships. You may have yet to develop the ability to know or set boundaries, which can cause problems later on. Unboundaried relationships are unhealthy relationships, and you may experience negative mental health effects as a result.

Depression

This can happen from having unmet emotional needs that arise in unhealthy relationships.

Stress and anxiety

This can happen when relationships are marked by unrealistic expectations, or when you have to be alone with your thoughts when you’re in an enmeshed relationship.

Substance misuse and eating disorders

These are common ways to self-medicate the pain of being in an unhealthy relationship pattern.

Finding out your boundaries

There is no one-size-fits-all way to find out what your boundaries are, and you may want to get the help of a therapist. Figuring out what your boundaries are will mean tuning into and actually feeling your emotions – and this can feel very uncomfortable.

Addiction deadens and changes your emotions, and you may be used to not sitting with your own feelings – so it’s no wonder if you’re unclear on what they are.

Feeling your feelings is hard work – but it’s hard to set effective boundaries if you don’t fully know what makes you happy, or what makes you hurt. Talking to a therapist, mindfulness and meditation or just sitting with uncomfortable sensations and not allowing yourself to flee from them are ways to begin this process.

Setting your boundaries

Setting boundaries sounds easy – once you know what your boundary is, you tell other people. Boundary set! However, setting boundaries with others can feel extremely uncomfortable, especially if it’s something you have never practised.

In practical terms, setting boundaries means articulating your boundaries clearly and calmly, with the knowledge that they will only sometimes be well received – especially if you’re communicating a boundary to someone who isn’t used to you doing so. Setting boundaries is a skill that develops over time. Other people have boundaries, too, so a degree of emotional intelligence and flexibility is required when boundaries conflict. Calmness helps, as do consequences for crossing them.

The difficulty many people have setting boundaries arises from the need to experience doing so and discomfort at displeasing others by articulating their needs. It will feel strange and uncomfortable at first. Learning to tolerate this stress and discomfort is a key part of overcoming many mental health challenges, including addiction, so this is a good skill to develop.

Mental health conditions

Boundaries and mental health go two ways. People with mental health conditions like stress and anxiety may find it harder to develop and enforce boundaries – and a lack of boundaries has an exacerbating effect on poor mental health. Some mental health conditions, like PTSD, bipolar, OCD and schizophrenia, can make it extremely difficult to work with boundaries.

Addiction, too, has a bidirectional relationship to boundaries – poor boundaries can drive someone to want to self-medicate, and people in addiction often struggle with poor boundaries. If you are struggling with addiction and a co-occurring mental health condition, it is especially important to seek out professional guidance to help you develop healthy boundaries and work on your mental health.

Therapy

A good therapist will work with you to identify your needs and develop techniques to articulate your boundaries.

A particularly effective modality for boundary-setting is Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). DBT’s focus on stress tolerance, emotional regulation and mindfulness all come together to help you develop healthy boundaries.

DBT is a practical and skills-based treatment for mental health. It recognises that for people who aren’t used to it, setting boundaries can feel extremely uncomfortable. DBT teaches people to handle that discomfort by remaining present and not fleeing or shutting down from the distress.

DBT is one of the treatments available as part of our inpatient rehab programme at UKAT. If you would benefit from speaking to one of our counsellors and understanding what else we offer, call us today.