Coping with Grief and Loss

While grief is understood as a human experience, different cultures experience and process grief and loss in varying ways. In Japan, grief is associated with Buddhist practices and the concept of “ma,” which refers to “silent spaces” that are found in art, life and death. In Mexico, grief is morphed into a festivity, giving a vibrancy to an emotion that many would usually process silently.

These examples illustrate the ubiquity of grief as a human experience, but it is still a deeply personal emotion that people process in their own ways. Knowing how to work through these emotions and where to get support can be a shining light through difficult times.

Defining grief and loss

Grief is the emotional response to the loss of a loved one, such as a family member or friend. It may also be experienced after a serious illness or other negative experiences, such as divorce. Being deprived of someone or something of value causes this feeling.

According to research in England and Wales, 614,000 people died during 2020 and 2021, leaving an estimated 3 million people in a state of grief and loss. Every person reading this has likely experienced loss at some point in their lives and for many of us, that loss may have come too early.

While everyone will have their own unique experience of the grieving process, there are said to be five main stages of grief:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a Swiss-American psychiatrist, introduced the 5 stages model in her 1969 book ‘On Death And Dying.’ Inspired by her work with patients suffering from terminal illnesses, she later believed the model applied to anyone who experiences a major personal loss.

Navigating the 5 stages of grief

Losing someone close can affect you in unexpected ways, even if you thought you were prepared. Understanding the 5 stages of grief can help you relate to others experiencing loss.

1. Denial: – “This can’t be happening to me.”

Denial is the earliest stage of the model and is usually only a temporary defence for a grieving person. This formative stage usually comes with numbness or shock.

2. Anger: – “Who is to blame?”

As denial fades, it makes way for intense anger or frustration. Worryingly, the direction of anger can be unpredictable, aimed at oneself, those surrounding the griever or even the deceased.

3. Bargaining: – “I’d be willing to give my life savings if…”

At the midway point, those experiencing loss try to reconcile by offering things they own or making deals, to no avail.

4. Depression: – “What’s the point?”

A profound sadness sets into the mind of the grieving person as they process the extent of their loss. A sense of hopelessness and isolation overwhelm them.

5. Acceptance: “I can’t fight it, so I may as well prepare for the next thing.”

This stage involves accepting the situation, and a certain amount of ‘freedom’ from pain can be felt. That doesn’t mean the pain is gone, but more emphasis is placed on the person’s forward trajectory and their future.

A common misunderstanding is that the five stages appear to a grieving person in this order, and last for equal amounts of time. In fact, Kubler believed that not all the steps will be experienced by each grieving person, though most people will experience at least two.

If you are dealing with significant grief or loss, it is important to recognise that things will get easier. If you feel stuck on one stage and just can’t seem to move past it, it may be time to consider reaching out for professional help.

What are the impacts of untreated grief?

Grief and loss can have a huge and lasting impact on your mental health. Emotionally, this can lead to feelings of persistent sadness and anxiety, and dwelling on your loss for too long can impact your decision-making abilities.

These internal effects can eventually result in physical manifestations, too. Studies have shown that people with severe grief have an increased risk of various medical issues, including cancer, cardiac disease, substance abuse and suicidality.

Seek comprehensive support early on to help mitigate these risks and promote overall well-being.

Coping mechanisms for grief and loss

Healthy coping mechanisms for grief and loss can depend on a person’s social surroundings and environment. Of course, a child experiencing loss in a war-torn country does not have the same resources a grieving person in a developed nation has. Here are a few of the most effective mechanisms:

1. Acknowledge your feelings

A powerful tool to kick-start the healing needed to process grief and loss is through a genuine and personal reflection of your feelings. Grief can be an unpredictable trigger for new feelings, so acknowledge the rocky terrain you find yourself on.

2. Practise self-care

Grief can become overwhelming, making it easy to neglect our needs. Prioritise exercise, spend time with the people you love and focus on things you enjoy doing. As well as improving your physical and emotional practices, dedicate extra time to your spirit. If a kind of “spirituality” doesn’t come to you, that’s fine too.

3. Remember and celebrate the life of your loved one

Grief and loss represent a transformation into a new state. Remember the time before the change and the memories you have with a lost loved one. If you weren’t the only person affected by the loss, set yourself some time with that person to reminisce about times before the loss.

4. Be patient with yourself

So often when we grieve, we can find ourselves wondering if there will ever be a time when the grief will pass. Learn to trust yourself in these moments, trust in the process and don’t be too hard on yourself. As the old saying goes, “This too shall pass.”

I am finding it hard to get over my grief. Where can I turn?

Your first response to dealing with grief might be reaching out to family and friends. Over time, recognising grief as a shared human experience can provide added relief. For the adverse effects of grief and loss, our UKAT London Clinic specialises in treating depression, trauma, anxiety, substance abuse and addiction.

Now, there are more ways than ever to access support, and as a person’s grief often forces them into isolated negativity, it’s critical to remember that people aren’t mind readers.

We know that each grieving person has what it takes to break through to the other side of their loss and that their pain is only temporary. If this is you, then know we’re here for you.